Confident??

Hello Again! Not drinking. Is not as easy as it sounds. Thinking about not drinking is even harder to do. My husband took me out on a spontanious date night on Monday. I normally would have had a glass of wine before we left & then a bottle or two at dinner and more when we got home. The night would have ended in a drunk fight and we both would have been miserable. That's not how it went. It started with this comment by my husband, "as long as you don't have any wine we will have enought money for a really nice dinner." WHAT!! I have been sober for 114 days now. Each day has been a struggle, and he knows that. Why would he put my sobriety into question. In the past I would have gone off on him, but the new sober and calm me just brushed it off. That's not to say I wasn't hurt for a second by it. We went out and had a wonderful dinner at a local gastropub. Now, they only serve beer and wine at this establishment, so I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew there would be temptation, but I also knew that I had to be strong & confident. The table next to us kept talking about how wonderful their glass of wine was. Here's the great part, the thought of even smelling the wine made me sick to my stomach! Confidence, yes!! We had the most amazing Chef Tasting Menu for dinner. I could not tell you a single thing we ate, but it all was amazing. I do know we ate octapus! The night ended very quietly with us discussing how nice it was to come home and just chill in front of the TV. Confident . . ya, I guess I am. Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness, Me.

Dreams

Hi! So last night I had the craziest dream. I was with an ex boyfiend, his wife and all of his friends. We were in the town where he lives, at least I think that's where we were, and we were bar hopping. We were walking from place to place and everyone kept asking me why I wasn't drinking. I said "because I'm sober now. I don't drink anymore." Now you may think, so what. Well, this is the first dream I have had where I have not had a drink or felt the craving for a drink. In my dream people didn't question it, they just went with it. Ok, so not an earth shattering dream. But it was one of those were even if I woke up for a minute, when I fell back asleep the dream kept going. It was very bizarre. It was so vivid. I wonder if when you dream of someone, are they dreaming of you at the same time? Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness, Me.

Day 100

DAY 100! I did it! I made it! I started this sobriety thing telling myself that I only had to do it for 100 days. As 100 days got closer I was getting anxious, I didn't have a plan for day 101 and after. What was I going to do? I couldn't drink again, I can't drink again. I have come too far to go back now. Then two things happened. First, I was watching "House of Cards", two of the charater's are in AA. One has been sober for 365 days, the other for 5110 days (that's 14 years people!) He said, all it takes is one drink to be back at day 1. One drink and you have to do it all over again. Then they show the guy who has been sober for 365 days have one drink. This leads to a night of drunken escapades & ends in his death. One drink. No thank you. Second, it is Lent now. Last week was Ash Wednesday. I am religious, but have never given anything up for Lent. My parent's were pretty easy when it came to that stuff and having no meat on Friday's. But, this year I thought, perfect. I will give up alcohol for lent. There is a first time for everything and this year is as good as any to start this tradition. Plus, it gives me a plan for day 101 & beyond. Of couse, Easter is only 30 days away. But, today I joined Belle's Team 180! I've got this - I really do. Wanna hear a funny story? We were in church a few weeks ago and Alison asks before communion "Momma, if you don't drink alchohol anymore how are you going to do communion?" Fair qustion, but I have already figured that part out. I take the juice meant for the kids. Easy Peasy! Blessings, Me.

Guilt. Yep I feel it.

Hi, So here I am again, feeling guilty. Why you ask? Who knows. Lately I feel guilty that I am not putting other first. I have heard I should be putting myself first now, but it is so hard. You see, when I was drinking I put myself & alcohol above EVERYTHING. I didn't want to make any plans after work because I had to be home to drink. I didn't want to go to my daughther's cello recital because it would take time away from drinking. I didn't want to go for a bike ride with her, to the mall, you name it, I didn't want to do it because I could not drink. So, since I put myself first then I feel like I cannot be putting myself first now. It feels. . . selfish. I feel like I need to be doing things with my daughter and husband now. Anything, it doesn't matter what it is. But I don't know what to do. The other day school was canceled because it was like -100 outside. I was home with my daughter all day. I should have baked with her, colored with her, read to her, anything. What did I do? We unpacked the million boxes in the basement. We did spend time together, but was it quality time? I didn't think so, so I felt guilty again. Was it not enough? It was for her. She was happy when my husband got home. She was so excited to show him what we did. But I felt guilty. Guilty that we didn't do more, something more fun. As I am listening to her, happily telling her Dad stuff we did and showing him I realize that it was enough for her. I guess that's all that matters, but why do I still feel guilty. I guess years of putting alcohol before her are not going to be erased from my memory in one afternoon. . . Day 35 today. Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.

I did it!

Hi! I did it! My first sober Holiday & first sober vacation. I am not gonna lie, I was worried. Would I be strong enough to do this. And guess what? I was! My husband stocked the house with enough mineral water, seltzer water, juices and fruits to drowned in! He even bought me a bottle of nonalcoholic wine. . . it was nasty. It tasted like dust! No more of that for this girl! We created new Mock-tails and had a great time. The hardest part was going to my parents house for Christmas. We usually go thru many bottles of wine and I knew that would be the true test of my soberity. My sister kept pushing me to drink. "come on you can have one." me: "no, no I can't. One leads to five or six or seven or nine & then I feel like shit." Her: "I have pill you can take to make it better." Just what I need a pill. . . no thank you. That's the last thing I need. A pill full of toxins to help the toxins I put in my body. Seems silly to me. Why don't I just not put the toxins in my body in the first place. This is a much better plan! The truth is when I was drinking I was pretty sure I was going to die. I was terrified at the end and getting sober is probably saving my life. The most surprising thing is that I feel like my sister and Mom were upset with me for not drinking. Or maybe they are always like this & I don't notice it because I am drinking too. Whatever the case maybe, I felt unwelcome and irrated the whole weekend. I was so happy to go home! I knew New Years Eve would be a struggle too, but I figured it would be just my husband and I, so it would be ok. Nope, my parents came down on New Year's Eve. It was nice, I was glad they came. They got to see our new house and be the first to sleep in our new guest room. But, at the end of the day, I really just wanted the night to be about Sean and I. Oh well, we are going to have NYE redo on Saturday. So, here I am. In 2014, sober & getting healthly. One step at a time. Day 29 today! Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness. Me.

Day 16

Hello again, Today I was thinking about the benefits of being sober. Here's my list: 1) I used have to heart rate problems - they are now gone. 2) My anxiety and paranoia are gone. 3) I am sleeping better & waking up refreshed. 4) I feel more at peace; calm & chill. 5) I am getting more done at home & work. And lord knows I have a ton to do! 6) I feel "present" for the first time in a very long time 7) I am happy! I am hoping as the days & weeks creap along I will be adding to this list. Peace, Love and eternal Happiness, Me.

Day 14

Here we are! Day 14, two whole weeks. I cannot believe it. I am super proud of myself. I feel stronger & healthier. It is and probably always will be a daily struggle for me, but for now I am glowing with success. I have thought a lot about joining a recovery group. My brother gave me the name of one. I keep thinking I can do this on my own. I have for 14 days, why can't I keep going. My heart says because this is only going to get harder. But does it have to get harder. Which part of this is the hardest. The first day, week, month, 6 months, year. When does it get easy? Never? Not that I want this to be easy, I just want to know when I will stop thinking about it ALL DAY LONG! On the upside I plan things to keep me busy at night. This time of year it is easy with all the snow storms and holiday baking and cooking that needs to be done. But what about when the holidays are over? I am going to need to find a hobby. Maybe if I find a group that meets one or two nights a week that will help. I will find it or it will find me, I am sure. For now, 7 days until Christmas and I am super crazy excited for it. Last year I was so depressed I didn't even enjoy it. I was so sad & not living in the moment that I am probably over compensating for it this year, but we have so much to celebrate this year, even though it was a tough year. But my journey over last 12-14 months has finally come full cirlce and getting sober is the final piece to this puzzle of finding who I was! Peace, love and eternal happiness, Me.

Day 13

Hello Again, Day 13; what comes to mind is superstition. Which in my mind means bad luck. But Friday the 13th came and went with no issue, so I suspect today will come and go with no issue. But when you are new to being sober you worry about every little thing and this superstition is really something to worry about. Your mind is consumed with thinking about NOT drinking and what you need to do NOT to drink. You plan and plan and think about it all the time. It consumes your whole day. So, on a day like today I will think harder & longer about NOT drinking. It is getting eaiser, but still hard when I get home and I want to make a gin and tonic and instead make a Orangina and seltzer water. Once I have that first sip I feel so much better, then I forget about the alcohol and go on with my night. It is easy to type, but not easy to live it. It takes all of my being not to go into the liquor cabinet and grab the gin or a bottle of wine. But I know if I do, I will have to start all over. Start this journey all over & I am really proud of where I am and really do not want to feel like a failure. So I will be strong and keep on keeping on. Tomorrow it will be 14 days, two weeks sober. The first week was eaiser than this second week, but hopefully the third week will be calm and we can get thru this and move on into 2014 sober and with a new perspective on life. Peace, love and eternal happiness. Me.

Day 9

Hi! Day 9 is upon me. Tomorrow I will begin double digits in my days sober count. What a great feeling! I feel great too! I was putting on my pants and shoes today and did not have to stuff myself into them. I am guessing because I am not all bloated from the liquor. Whatever the reason, I will take it. I told my brother on Wednesday about my pledge. He was very happy for me. He has been sober for about a year and a half. He is my rock right now and I will need his strength and encourging words in the days and weeks to come. Almost time for the weekend. I can actually say I am looking forward to my club soda this evening! Peace, Love and eternal Happiness, Me.

Day Seven

Hello! I am almost there. One whole week! It feels really great. I am alert, hydrated and rested. I feel empowered too. Empowered that I have made this decison and I am following thru on it. I am excited to be sober. Last night my husband took us out to dinner. I was worried at first, because could I go to my fav Mexican Restaurant and not have my fav Margarita. "wolfie" was knocking on my door. I almost called the whole thing off. I told wolfie to fuck off and went into the restaurant. It's not fair of me to ruin a nice dinner just because I am not strong enough. Once I ordered my club soda with lemon I was fine. Once it arrived & I took a sip I was even better. It's amazing how good food tastes when your pallat (sp.) is not destroyed by alcohol! Now, that being said. I learned that maybe we should eat at home more. Not that we ate out a lot to begin with, but the temptation is just too great when you are at a restaurant. Especially one that has your favorite tequila (green bottle orange top!). I told my boss today. She was happy for me. She is more like a friend than a boss, but she was happy and excited that I am getting healthy again. This all feels really good. I hope this feeling never goes away. Peace, love and eternal happiness. Me.

Day Six

Hi! So, my husband came home last night from his business trip and I told him all about my blog and sobriety pledge. He was so happy for me and said he was proud and would support me in this journey. He said he will even do it with me! I am so excited for us! Now, I am going to tell my daugher, Alison age 9. She will for sure keep me accountable! Who better than a mouthy 9 year old to keep you on the straight and narrow! Today is Day 6. I cannot remember the last time I went 6 whole days without a drink. Who am I kidding! I cannot remember the last time I went one day without a drink. I have slept thru the night two nights in a row! I am having problems falling asleep, but once asleep I sleep like a baby. It is amazing how much clearer my head is. I don't get irrated as easily and find that I am actually happy. Hopefully this is not just some "honeymoon" period and the feeling will last. I am hopeful. I was unpacking again last night. I have about a million boxes in my basement. I unpacked the boxes marked "wine and martini glasses". I will admit I love wine glasses just about as much as I loved wine. I have about a hundred if not more wine glasses. I had a moment of sadness thinking I would never use these beautiful glasses again. But, why can't I have my seltzer in the glasses!? So, I did. It was wonderful. Just holding the glass felt good. I am learning every day. This will be a journey, no doubt. But one that I am mentally and physically ready to take on. I do have one worry though. Once I am done unpacking the house, what I will I do with all my free time? I mean, now I am unpacking instead of drinking. Once that is done, what next? Hummm...I must think. If you have any ideas please share. How do you spend your free time now that you are not occupied with drinking? Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness, Me.

Day Five

Hi! Day five. Feels like day 500! I mean, hasn't it been a week already? Ugh. I don't really crave the alcohol, at least not at this moment. I find myself thinking about how much I can get done tonight before my husband gets home. He has been gone for Five days, and Man is he going to be surprised! I was working on our Holiday Menus today and normally I would pair a drink with each course, this year. Nope. Do you know how much time and effort I saved!? Not to mention money! I am loving this. I feel like I have been given a new freedom or something. Like I have been in alcohol jail and now I am free, free to be me! I actually slept thru the night last night. I woke up when my alarm shreeked it was time to wake up. Stupid thing! I guess soberity doesn't make your alarm any less annoying or loud. Here's the thing, I actually got up when my alarm shreeked. I even was up and hour early so I could shovel the driveway & sidewalk. No fooling, I actually did it. Didn't enjoy it, but I actaully got up and did something constructive before the sunrise. T-minus 8 hours until my husbandito arrives home. . . Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.

Day Four

Hi,

It's only been four days!?  That's it!  Oh my, this is hard.  I was supposed to go out & get flowers for my "two day treat ", but it is snowing & roads are bad.  Oh well, I will get them tomorrow.  

Normally I would have stayed inside. & drank the day away, but instead I actually went outside with Alison & played in the snow.  It was fun.  I even shoveled the new driveway.  Now that was hard work, but it felt good to do something constructive.  

I am exhausted, so it will be a night in front of the TV with a glass of kombucha.

My husband comes home tomorrow night.  I am super excited to share my plan with him!

Peace, love & eternal happiness

Me.

Day Three

Hello!

So far so good.  It is getting harder to be strong, but I have come up with some good strategies.  Belle , from TOTAD, said to take it 2 days at a time & on the second day buy myself a small treat.  So tomorrow I am going to buy myself some flowers.  I have been able to keep busy with cleaning & unpacking.  We moved into a new house two weeks ago, so there is a lot to do!

It occurred to me while I was cleaning, that I would have never done this on a Saturday afternoon.  I would be opening a bottle of wine instead of toilet bowl cleaner.

I am hoping to sleep tonight.  The past three nights I have felt like an infant who wakes up every two hours!

Baby steps I guess!

Peace, love & eternal happiness

Me.

Day Two

Hello! So last night was not so bad. I was super tired and we had to plans to sit in our chairs and watch the Sounds of Music. I found myself standing in the kitchen after the dinner plates were ready asking myself "what I should drink?" I found that I only had milk, water, juice or liquor. I guess "before" there was never a question about what I would drink. It was either wine or gin & tonic. Usually both! Last night I had OJ with Cranberry Juice, then lots & lots of water. Alison asked me what I was drinking tonight and when I told her, she asked if that was a Mommy drink. I said nope and I could make her one too, but that I had used the last of the OJ. The look on her face when I said "nope" was of pure joy. I hope I can remember that look in the days & weeks to come. I should be honest here. I have made this decision completly on my own. My husband is out of town and he has no idea what he is going to be coming home too. I am sure he will be supportive, but I am worried about his response. I could call him, but I would rather tell him when he gets home on Monday that I have been sober for FIVE days! This time I really mean it, I am going to get sober and stay sober! I just told my best friend that I am going to be sober and she was super supportive. She quit drinking about 2 1/2 years ago. I felt so bad talking to her because I never once called her when she decided to quit drinking to see how she was doing. I was in my own drunk fog & could not believe that my drinking buddy would quit. Somehow we remained freinds and I am sure glad that we did. She had every reason to kick me to the curb, because I would drink in front of her, with no guilt or anything. So, this weekend will be hard. But I know that I can call Suzie and it will all be ok. I am strong- aren't I?? Peace. Love and Eternal Happiness, Me.

Day One

Well Hello There. There is a song, the title escapes me at this moment, that starts "Day One; I thank God I said hello on Fifth Ave." Well, Day One, I thank God I read Good Housekeeping today. Especially thankful for the Feel Good Section titled "How I finally stopped drinking and earned back my family's trust." I have thought for way too long that I need to stop drinking and start being a good if not great mother and wife. I have stopped for a few days here and few days there, but nothing has stuck. This article has given me the courage and insight to do it this time. AND I WILL DO IT!! How? Not sure yet, but somehow I will. One day at a time. I am tired of being tired and feeling crappy and unhealthy. I cannot stand the way I feel when I am hung over. So here it goes. Day one. Hour one. Moment one. I hope that some day I can change the title of this blog to "I am a Sober Mom" Peace, love and eternal happiness. Me.