Guilt. Yep I feel it.

Hi, So here I am again, feeling guilty. Why you ask? Who knows. Lately I feel guilty that I am not putting other first. I have heard I should be putting myself first now, but it is so hard. You see, when I was drinking I put myself & alcohol above EVERYTHING. I didn't want to make any plans after work because I had to be home to drink. I didn't want to go to my daughther's cello recital because it would take time away from drinking. I didn't want to go for a bike ride with her, to the mall, you name it, I didn't want to do it because I could not drink. So, since I put myself first then I feel like I cannot be putting myself first now. It feels. . . selfish. I feel like I need to be doing things with my daughter and husband now. Anything, it doesn't matter what it is. But I don't know what to do. The other day school was canceled because it was like -100 outside. I was home with my daughter all day. I should have baked with her, colored with her, read to her, anything. What did I do? We unpacked the million boxes in the basement. We did spend time together, but was it quality time? I didn't think so, so I felt guilty again. Was it not enough? It was for her. She was happy when my husband got home. She was so excited to show him what we did. But I felt guilty. Guilty that we didn't do more, something more fun. As I am listening to her, happily telling her Dad stuff we did and showing him I realize that it was enough for her. I guess that's all that matters, but why do I still feel guilty. I guess years of putting alcohol before her are not going to be erased from my memory in one afternoon. . . Day 35 today. Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.

I did it!

Hi! I did it! My first sober Holiday & first sober vacation. I am not gonna lie, I was worried. Would I be strong enough to do this. And guess what? I was! My husband stocked the house with enough mineral water, seltzer water, juices and fruits to drowned in! He even bought me a bottle of nonalcoholic wine. . . it was nasty. It tasted like dust! No more of that for this girl! We created new Mock-tails and had a great time. The hardest part was going to my parents house for Christmas. We usually go thru many bottles of wine and I knew that would be the true test of my soberity. My sister kept pushing me to drink. "come on you can have one." me: "no, no I can't. One leads to five or six or seven or nine & then I feel like shit." Her: "I have pill you can take to make it better." Just what I need a pill. . . no thank you. That's the last thing I need. A pill full of toxins to help the toxins I put in my body. Seems silly to me. Why don't I just not put the toxins in my body in the first place. This is a much better plan! The truth is when I was drinking I was pretty sure I was going to die. I was terrified at the end and getting sober is probably saving my life. The most surprising thing is that I feel like my sister and Mom were upset with me for not drinking. Or maybe they are always like this & I don't notice it because I am drinking too. Whatever the case maybe, I felt unwelcome and irrated the whole weekend. I was so happy to go home! I knew New Years Eve would be a struggle too, but I figured it would be just my husband and I, so it would be ok. Nope, my parents came down on New Year's Eve. It was nice, I was glad they came. They got to see our new house and be the first to sleep in our new guest room. But, at the end of the day, I really just wanted the night to be about Sean and I. Oh well, we are going to have NYE redo on Saturday. So, here I am. In 2014, sober & getting healthly. One step at a time. Day 29 today! Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness. Me.

Day 16

Hello again, Today I was thinking about the benefits of being sober. Here's my list: 1) I used have to heart rate problems - they are now gone. 2) My anxiety and paranoia are gone. 3) I am sleeping better & waking up refreshed. 4) I feel more at peace; calm & chill. 5) I am getting more done at home & work. And lord knows I have a ton to do! 6) I feel "present" for the first time in a very long time 7) I am happy! I am hoping as the days & weeks creap along I will be adding to this list. Peace, Love and eternal Happiness, Me.

Day 14

Here we are! Day 14, two whole weeks. I cannot believe it. I am super proud of myself. I feel stronger & healthier. It is and probably always will be a daily struggle for me, but for now I am glowing with success. I have thought a lot about joining a recovery group. My brother gave me the name of one. I keep thinking I can do this on my own. I have for 14 days, why can't I keep going. My heart says because this is only going to get harder. But does it have to get harder. Which part of this is the hardest. The first day, week, month, 6 months, year. When does it get easy? Never? Not that I want this to be easy, I just want to know when I will stop thinking about it ALL DAY LONG! On the upside I plan things to keep me busy at night. This time of year it is easy with all the snow storms and holiday baking and cooking that needs to be done. But what about when the holidays are over? I am going to need to find a hobby. Maybe if I find a group that meets one or two nights a week that will help. I will find it or it will find me, I am sure. For now, 7 days until Christmas and I am super crazy excited for it. Last year I was so depressed I didn't even enjoy it. I was so sad & not living in the moment that I am probably over compensating for it this year, but we have so much to celebrate this year, even though it was a tough year. But my journey over last 12-14 months has finally come full cirlce and getting sober is the final piece to this puzzle of finding who I was! Peace, love and eternal happiness, Me.

Day 13

Hello Again, Day 13; what comes to mind is superstition. Which in my mind means bad luck. But Friday the 13th came and went with no issue, so I suspect today will come and go with no issue. But when you are new to being sober you worry about every little thing and this superstition is really something to worry about. Your mind is consumed with thinking about NOT drinking and what you need to do NOT to drink. You plan and plan and think about it all the time. It consumes your whole day. So, on a day like today I will think harder & longer about NOT drinking. It is getting eaiser, but still hard when I get home and I want to make a gin and tonic and instead make a Orangina and seltzer water. Once I have that first sip I feel so much better, then I forget about the alcohol and go on with my night. It is easy to type, but not easy to live it. It takes all of my being not to go into the liquor cabinet and grab the gin or a bottle of wine. But I know if I do, I will have to start all over. Start this journey all over & I am really proud of where I am and really do not want to feel like a failure. So I will be strong and keep on keeping on. Tomorrow it will be 14 days, two weeks sober. The first week was eaiser than this second week, but hopefully the third week will be calm and we can get thru this and move on into 2014 sober and with a new perspective on life. Peace, love and eternal happiness. Me.

Day 9

Hi! Day 9 is upon me. Tomorrow I will begin double digits in my days sober count. What a great feeling! I feel great too! I was putting on my pants and shoes today and did not have to stuff myself into them. I am guessing because I am not all bloated from the liquor. Whatever the reason, I will take it. I told my brother on Wednesday about my pledge. He was very happy for me. He has been sober for about a year and a half. He is my rock right now and I will need his strength and encourging words in the days and weeks to come. Almost time for the weekend. I can actually say I am looking forward to my club soda this evening! Peace, Love and eternal Happiness, Me.

Day Seven

Hello! I am almost there. One whole week! It feels really great. I am alert, hydrated and rested. I feel empowered too. Empowered that I have made this decison and I am following thru on it. I am excited to be sober. Last night my husband took us out to dinner. I was worried at first, because could I go to my fav Mexican Restaurant and not have my fav Margarita. "wolfie" was knocking on my door. I almost called the whole thing off. I told wolfie to fuck off and went into the restaurant. It's not fair of me to ruin a nice dinner just because I am not strong enough. Once I ordered my club soda with lemon I was fine. Once it arrived & I took a sip I was even better. It's amazing how good food tastes when your pallat (sp.) is not destroyed by alcohol! Now, that being said. I learned that maybe we should eat at home more. Not that we ate out a lot to begin with, but the temptation is just too great when you are at a restaurant. Especially one that has your favorite tequila (green bottle orange top!). I told my boss today. She was happy for me. She is more like a friend than a boss, but she was happy and excited that I am getting healthy again. This all feels really good. I hope this feeling never goes away. Peace, love and eternal happiness. Me.