Guilt. Yep I feel it.

Hi, So here I am again, feeling guilty. Why you ask? Who knows. Lately I feel guilty that I am not putting other first. I have heard I should be putting myself first now, but it is so hard. You see, when I was drinking I put myself & alcohol above EVERYTHING. I didn't want to make any plans after work because I had to be home to drink. I didn't want to go to my daughther's cello recital because it would take time away from drinking. I didn't want to go for a bike ride with her, to the mall, you name it, I didn't want to do it because I could not drink. So, since I put myself first then I feel like I cannot be putting myself first now. It feels. . . selfish. I feel like I need to be doing things with my daughter and husband now. Anything, it doesn't matter what it is. But I don't know what to do. The other day school was canceled because it was like -100 outside. I was home with my daughter all day. I should have baked with her, colored with her, read to her, anything. What did I do? We unpacked the million boxes in the basement. We did spend time together, but was it quality time? I didn't think so, so I felt guilty again. Was it not enough? It was for her. She was happy when my husband got home. She was so excited to show him what we did. But I felt guilty. Guilty that we didn't do more, something more fun. As I am listening to her, happily telling her Dad stuff we did and showing him I realize that it was enough for her. I guess that's all that matters, but why do I still feel guilty. I guess years of putting alcohol before her are not going to be erased from my memory in one afternoon. . . Day 35 today. Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.

I did it!

Hi! I did it! My first sober Holiday & first sober vacation. I am not gonna lie, I was worried. Would I be strong enough to do this. And guess what? I was! My husband stocked the house with enough mineral water, seltzer water, juices and fruits to drowned in! He even bought me a bottle of nonalcoholic wine. . . it was nasty. It tasted like dust! No more of that for this girl! We created new Mock-tails and had a great time. The hardest part was going to my parents house for Christmas. We usually go thru many bottles of wine and I knew that would be the true test of my soberity. My sister kept pushing me to drink. "come on you can have one." me: "no, no I can't. One leads to five or six or seven or nine & then I feel like shit." Her: "I have pill you can take to make it better." Just what I need a pill. . . no thank you. That's the last thing I need. A pill full of toxins to help the toxins I put in my body. Seems silly to me. Why don't I just not put the toxins in my body in the first place. This is a much better plan! The truth is when I was drinking I was pretty sure I was going to die. I was terrified at the end and getting sober is probably saving my life. The most surprising thing is that I feel like my sister and Mom were upset with me for not drinking. Or maybe they are always like this & I don't notice it because I am drinking too. Whatever the case maybe, I felt unwelcome and irrated the whole weekend. I was so happy to go home! I knew New Years Eve would be a struggle too, but I figured it would be just my husband and I, so it would be ok. Nope, my parents came down on New Year's Eve. It was nice, I was glad they came. They got to see our new house and be the first to sleep in our new guest room. But, at the end of the day, I really just wanted the night to be about Sean and I. Oh well, we are going to have NYE redo on Saturday. So, here I am. In 2014, sober & getting healthly. One step at a time. Day 29 today! Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness. Me.