Confident??

Hello Again! Not drinking. Is not as easy as it sounds. Thinking about not drinking is even harder to do. My husband took me out on a spontanious date night on Monday. I normally would have had a glass of wine before we left & then a bottle or two at dinner and more when we got home. The night would have ended in a drunk fight and we both would have been miserable. That's not how it went. It started with this comment by my husband, "as long as you don't have any wine we will have enought money for a really nice dinner." WHAT!! I have been sober for 114 days now. Each day has been a struggle, and he knows that. Why would he put my sobriety into question. In the past I would have gone off on him, but the new sober and calm me just brushed it off. That's not to say I wasn't hurt for a second by it. We went out and had a wonderful dinner at a local gastropub. Now, they only serve beer and wine at this establishment, so I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew there would be temptation, but I also knew that I had to be strong & confident. The table next to us kept talking about how wonderful their glass of wine was. Here's the great part, the thought of even smelling the wine made me sick to my stomach! Confidence, yes!! We had the most amazing Chef Tasting Menu for dinner. I could not tell you a single thing we ate, but it all was amazing. I do know we ate octapus! The night ended very quietly with us discussing how nice it was to come home and just chill in front of the TV. Confident . . ya, I guess I am. Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness, Me.

Dreams

Hi! So last night I had the craziest dream. I was with an ex boyfiend, his wife and all of his friends. We were in the town where he lives, at least I think that's where we were, and we were bar hopping. We were walking from place to place and everyone kept asking me why I wasn't drinking. I said "because I'm sober now. I don't drink anymore." Now you may think, so what. Well, this is the first dream I have had where I have not had a drink or felt the craving for a drink. In my dream people didn't question it, they just went with it. Ok, so not an earth shattering dream. But it was one of those were even if I woke up for a minute, when I fell back asleep the dream kept going. It was very bizarre. It was so vivid. I wonder if when you dream of someone, are they dreaming of you at the same time? Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness, Me.

Day 100

DAY 100! I did it! I made it! I started this sobriety thing telling myself that I only had to do it for 100 days. As 100 days got closer I was getting anxious, I didn't have a plan for day 101 and after. What was I going to do? I couldn't drink again, I can't drink again. I have come too far to go back now. Then two things happened. First, I was watching "House of Cards", two of the charater's are in AA. One has been sober for 365 days, the other for 5110 days (that's 14 years people!) He said, all it takes is one drink to be back at day 1. One drink and you have to do it all over again. Then they show the guy who has been sober for 365 days have one drink. This leads to a night of drunken escapades & ends in his death. One drink. No thank you. Second, it is Lent now. Last week was Ash Wednesday. I am religious, but have never given anything up for Lent. My parent's were pretty easy when it came to that stuff and having no meat on Friday's. But, this year I thought, perfect. I will give up alcohol for lent. There is a first time for everything and this year is as good as any to start this tradition. Plus, it gives me a plan for day 101 & beyond. Of couse, Easter is only 30 days away. But, today I joined Belle's Team 180! I've got this - I really do. Wanna hear a funny story? We were in church a few weeks ago and Alison asks before communion "Momma, if you don't drink alchohol anymore how are you going to do communion?" Fair qustion, but I have already figured that part out. I take the juice meant for the kids. Easy Peasy! Blessings, Me.

Guilt. Yep I feel it.

Hi, So here I am again, feeling guilty. Why you ask? Who knows. Lately I feel guilty that I am not putting other first. I have heard I should be putting myself first now, but it is so hard. You see, when I was drinking I put myself & alcohol above EVERYTHING. I didn't want to make any plans after work because I had to be home to drink. I didn't want to go to my daughther's cello recital because it would take time away from drinking. I didn't want to go for a bike ride with her, to the mall, you name it, I didn't want to do it because I could not drink. So, since I put myself first then I feel like I cannot be putting myself first now. It feels. . . selfish. I feel like I need to be doing things with my daughter and husband now. Anything, it doesn't matter what it is. But I don't know what to do. The other day school was canceled because it was like -100 outside. I was home with my daughter all day. I should have baked with her, colored with her, read to her, anything. What did I do? We unpacked the million boxes in the basement. We did spend time together, but was it quality time? I didn't think so, so I felt guilty again. Was it not enough? It was for her. She was happy when my husband got home. She was so excited to show him what we did. But I felt guilty. Guilty that we didn't do more, something more fun. As I am listening to her, happily telling her Dad stuff we did and showing him I realize that it was enough for her. I guess that's all that matters, but why do I still feel guilty. I guess years of putting alcohol before her are not going to be erased from my memory in one afternoon. . . Day 35 today. Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.

I did it!

Hi! I did it! My first sober Holiday & first sober vacation. I am not gonna lie, I was worried. Would I be strong enough to do this. And guess what? I was! My husband stocked the house with enough mineral water, seltzer water, juices and fruits to drowned in! He even bought me a bottle of nonalcoholic wine. . . it was nasty. It tasted like dust! No more of that for this girl! We created new Mock-tails and had a great time. The hardest part was going to my parents house for Christmas. We usually go thru many bottles of wine and I knew that would be the true test of my soberity. My sister kept pushing me to drink. "come on you can have one." me: "no, no I can't. One leads to five or six or seven or nine & then I feel like shit." Her: "I have pill you can take to make it better." Just what I need a pill. . . no thank you. That's the last thing I need. A pill full of toxins to help the toxins I put in my body. Seems silly to me. Why don't I just not put the toxins in my body in the first place. This is a much better plan! The truth is when I was drinking I was pretty sure I was going to die. I was terrified at the end and getting sober is probably saving my life. The most surprising thing is that I feel like my sister and Mom were upset with me for not drinking. Or maybe they are always like this & I don't notice it because I am drinking too. Whatever the case maybe, I felt unwelcome and irrated the whole weekend. I was so happy to go home! I knew New Years Eve would be a struggle too, but I figured it would be just my husband and I, so it would be ok. Nope, my parents came down on New Year's Eve. It was nice, I was glad they came. They got to see our new house and be the first to sleep in our new guest room. But, at the end of the day, I really just wanted the night to be about Sean and I. Oh well, we are going to have NYE redo on Saturday. So, here I am. In 2014, sober & getting healthly. One step at a time. Day 29 today! Peace, Love & Eternal Happiness. Me.

Day 16

Hello again, Today I was thinking about the benefits of being sober. Here's my list: 1) I used have to heart rate problems - they are now gone. 2) My anxiety and paranoia are gone. 3) I am sleeping better & waking up refreshed. 4) I feel more at peace; calm & chill. 5) I am getting more done at home & work. And lord knows I have a ton to do! 6) I feel "present" for the first time in a very long time 7) I am happy! I am hoping as the days & weeks creap along I will be adding to this list. Peace, Love and eternal Happiness, Me.

Day 14

Here we are! Day 14, two whole weeks. I cannot believe it. I am super proud of myself. I feel stronger & healthier. It is and probably always will be a daily struggle for me, but for now I am glowing with success. I have thought a lot about joining a recovery group. My brother gave me the name of one. I keep thinking I can do this on my own. I have for 14 days, why can't I keep going. My heart says because this is only going to get harder. But does it have to get harder. Which part of this is the hardest. The first day, week, month, 6 months, year. When does it get easy? Never? Not that I want this to be easy, I just want to know when I will stop thinking about it ALL DAY LONG! On the upside I plan things to keep me busy at night. This time of year it is easy with all the snow storms and holiday baking and cooking that needs to be done. But what about when the holidays are over? I am going to need to find a hobby. Maybe if I find a group that meets one or two nights a week that will help. I will find it or it will find me, I am sure. For now, 7 days until Christmas and I am super crazy excited for it. Last year I was so depressed I didn't even enjoy it. I was so sad & not living in the moment that I am probably over compensating for it this year, but we have so much to celebrate this year, even though it was a tough year. But my journey over last 12-14 months has finally come full cirlce and getting sober is the final piece to this puzzle of finding who I was! Peace, love and eternal happiness, Me.