Guilt. Yep I feel it.

Hi, So here I am again, feeling guilty. Why you ask? Who knows. Lately I feel guilty that I am not putting other first. I have heard I should be putting myself first now, but it is so hard. You see, when I was drinking I put myself & alcohol above EVERYTHING. I didn't want to make any plans after work because I had to be home to drink. I didn't want to go to my daughther's cello recital because it would take time away from drinking. I didn't want to go for a bike ride with her, to the mall, you name it, I didn't want to do it because I could not drink. So, since I put myself first then I feel like I cannot be putting myself first now. It feels. . . selfish. I feel like I need to be doing things with my daughter and husband now. Anything, it doesn't matter what it is. But I don't know what to do. The other day school was canceled because it was like -100 outside. I was home with my daughter all day. I should have baked with her, colored with her, read to her, anything. What did I do? We unpacked the million boxes in the basement. We did spend time together, but was it quality time? I didn't think so, so I felt guilty again. Was it not enough? It was for her. She was happy when my husband got home. She was so excited to show him what we did. But I felt guilty. Guilty that we didn't do more, something more fun. As I am listening to her, happily telling her Dad stuff we did and showing him I realize that it was enough for her. I guess that's all that matters, but why do I still feel guilty. I guess years of putting alcohol before her are not going to be erased from my memory in one afternoon. . . Day 35 today. Peace, Love and Eternal Happiness. Me.